Pietrance
by Naisumi
Summary: What would happen if Pietro were to make a strange new happy drug...? (Warning: SLASH)
1. Boredom can be Deadly

Title: Pietrance: Chapter 1~Boredom can be Deadly   
Author: Naisumi  
Rating: PG-13 (cussing O.o;)   
Disclaimer: Unless you want a couple of dust bunnies and some pocket lint, I suggest not suing to be the most preferable action. I don't own these guys anyways ^_^;; (duh?)  
Warnings: Um...Slash XD In my little universe, Lance and Pietro are desperately in love. Whether or not they're actually together in the fic or in deliciously angsty denial will vary.   
Keywords: Slash, Brotherhood (I love them!), X-men:Evo, FLUFF, insanity, etc.  
  
Notes: *nervous grin* Eheh...okay, I'm a crazed anime fan (read: OTAKU) who has a strange obsession with yaoi/slash, yuri/femslash, and a vicious hatred towards Mary Sues. This is my first X-men: Evolution fic, though I've been liberally drooling over Lance and Pietro for, like, two weeks by now lol (Just ask Michiko XD I'm obsessed!)  
Um, already, anyway...  
This is my FIRST Evo fic...and, uh, it's fluff lol. I was originally planning this way angsty fic where Pietro almost dies, but I figured that the research was too much work. Anyway...  
  
The idea of PIETRANCE came about while Michiko and I were chatting on AIM ^^ We were trying to figure out a way to make a shortcut for Lance/Pietro, like they do in Digimon (like, there're two characters so they mix the names together; example: Taichi + Yamato = Taito.)  
  
And we came up with Pietrance, which I commented that it sounded like some "strange new happy drug" ^^ Anyhow...and thus, a fic was born...  
  
-- scene change  
blah thoughts  
"blah" human-speak XP  
  
WARNING: This fic was written while on a caffeine-high. If it stops being funny and just starts being plain weird, complaints to the coffee-vending machine can be sent to...some address or other.  
  
(Also, Naisumi has been known to cuss like a taxi cab driver in New York during traffic hour in her fics while in real life, she can't say 'crap' without freaking out and apologizing to the heavens.)  
Arika: [*points to Naisumi* I'm with stupid.] We think this is because she repressed her inner bitch.  
-_- eheh...  
Arika: Anyway, the point? Can't write the Brotherhood without some nice cussage...can we? ^.~ Enjoy!  
  
--  
  
Pietro was bored. This, by all means, was not a good thing. When he was bored, he got hyper. When he was hyper, he got strange, scary, and often talked at 892 miles per hour. It was, in fact, on this slightly cloudy day with a slight chance of rain, that Pietro Maximoff was indeed...bored. In turn, his usual energy reserves overflowed, a mushroom cloud emerged, and the mushy blob that was his brain had a nuclear meltdown.  
  
  
It was a dark day for the Brotherhood of Mutants.  
  
--  
  
"Lance?"  
"What?"  
"I'm bored."  
"Okay."  
"Lance!"  
"What?!"  
"I _said_ that I'm bored!"  
"So?"  
"I'm _bored_!"  
Lance Alvers glowered darkly at the fidgety silver-haired boy. The bundle of nervous energy that was Pietro was attempting to glare, but only succeeded in affecting a look that was similar to that of a sulky three-year-old that didn't get to go on the merry-go-round. He thought about placating his friend, but, instead, decided to do what any teenage boy would do instead.  
  
He turned back to his computer, lazily backhanding Pietro on his way around.   
"Ouch! Lannnnce...!!!"  
  
If Pietro wasn't going to stop whining, he'd have to throw the speedster out.  
"Laaaaance..."  
  
The lawn was just begging to have someone thrown on it...after all, it hadn't been abused since last week, when Freddy had thrown Daniels out, who later became stuck when one of his spikes wouldn't disengage with the garage door OR his neck.   
  
Who'd want to have a spike in their neck anyways? He looked like some pitiful rendition of Frankenstein. That was really fun...laughing at people always makes me feel better. Maybe we should go and hotwire Summers's car. Then we could laugh at him.  
  
Then, abruptly, Lance realized he had been rambling. He was roused out of his thoughts by the incessant noise that was Pietro, who looked like he was enjoying the many different ways he'd found to enunciate his friend's name.  
"LannnnNNNNnnnnnnNNNnnnnce..."  
I'm going to hurt him.  
"LannnnnnnnNnnnnnnnnnCCCCCeeeee..."  
I'm going to really, really hurt him.  
"LAAAAAAAnnnnc--"  
"What is it?!!"  
  
Pietro found himself face-to-face with an extremely pissed-off mutant. Oops.  
"I'm bored," He tried smiling cutely. That always seemed to work. Pietro grinned as adorably as he could and blinked slowly.   
Damn. He's impervious to my cuteness. Uh...oh shit.  
"Um...why are we going towards the window?"  
  
--  
  
"You bastard! I hope you know that after I get out, you're going to pay! I MEAN IT! Just because you're sexy doesn't mean that I'll show any mercy. LANCE!! LANCE, I'm talking to you! Don't turn away! Ooooh, I'll show you. I HAVE MYSTERIOUS POWERS, you know!!! I can annoy the hell out of you!!!--I'm also faster than a speeding bullet. But that's beside the point. It's also kind of unoriginal. But I'm much cooler than Superman. Is there some kind of rule for people who go really, really, really fast? I'mNotSureButThere'sNoWayThatI'mGoingToWearMyUnderwearOnTheOutside!--LANCE! You can't leave me here. LANCE!!! I'm your boyfriend! You HAVE to let me out!!! Grr...you're SO sleeping on the couch. I'll take the "sexual" out of "homosexual..." I SWEAR I WILL!!! ...LANNNNNNNCE!!!!"  
  
Lance grinned and turned away from his bedroom window. He had an oh-so-lovely vantage view of the lamppost out front, which had one extremely irked Pietro duct taped to it. His mission was done. Now, back to his "research"...(1)  
  
--  
  
Pietro scowled. The nerve of that jackass...he's SO not getting any! It had taken him roughly half an hour to get out of his pseudo-mummification, and a duct taped Pietro was _not_ a happy Pietro. He wandered into the living room, mourning the undignified fashion in how he escaped, namely causing enough friction between his rapidly wiggling body and the really icky gluey tape so that the metallicy substance spontaneously combusted. Well...okay, he hadn't _really_ gotten out that way...but it was still tragic; Todd almost wasn't going to let him out! Imagine the horror of having to be stuck in a cocoon of duct tape and attached to a lamppost for who-knew-how-long! On the front lawn, no less.   
  
Actually, it's not really a lawn. It's more like a scraggly piece of rocky shit with random pieces of weed growing out of it.  
  
He rubbed absently at a bit of stringy glue that refused to part with his skin, After all, I _am_ the Almighty Pietro Maximoff...so I don't really blame it.  
  
Ignoring the fact that he had just thought that a piece of leftover duct tape was worshipping him, Pietro strayed over to the couch, where Fred Dukes was cheerfully letting any brain matter he had left dribble out of his ears as he watched TV.  
  
Vegetating is fun, the silver-haired mutant quirked an eyebrow. Continuing along that course of thought, he wondered idly, If we were all vegetables, I wonder what we'd be? Fred'd be a really, really, reallyreallyreallyreallyreally big eggplant and Todd would be broccoli. And, he added snidely, since Lance is a dick, he can just be a carrot...close enough. Hm. I'm way too cool to be a vegetable. I'd be a fruit,  
  
"You _are_ a fruit, yo." Pietro blinked and scowled at Todd,  
"WhoToldYouThatYouHadPermissionToReadMyThoughts?!"  
"Huh?" Todd stared at him blankly for a moment.   
"I SAID, WhoToldYouThatYouHadPermissionToRead my thoughts?!"   
"Jeez," The younger boy glared at him,   
"You said that you'd be a fruit out loud, man. Don't blame _me_ for the voices in your head."  
"I don't have voices in my head! I have...muses."  
  
The amphibianish(2) mutant watched him with wide eyes, before mumbling, "'kay," and turning away, muttering under his breath about how his housemates were getting weirder everyday.   
  
In the living room, Fred continued watching the Animaniacs, thinking fervently about how Dot was hot. (3)  
  
--  
  
This sucks. Pietro was lying on his bed, bored out of his well-formed skull and counting water stains to pass the time.   
Let's see. I scared Todd, I painted Summers's car pink with neon green polka dots (he's going to be reallllllly pissed when he finds out), and I managed to completely destroy the garage door. Righhhht, this day is going quite well. The speedster blinked as his stomach growled and sighed laboriously,  
And now I'm hungry.   
"Okayyyy, let's see what we have in the kitchen!" He told his tummy.  
  
--  
  
In the refrigerator, there were, disappointingly enough, only the following food items:  
A potato  
A handful of oddly crispy peanuts  
Some discolored squashes   
A disturbingly moldy cup of yogurt  
Fred's toothbrush   
The remote controller for the TV  
and, a gallon of milk, freshly opened.  
  
"Okay, this sucks," Pietro complained to an uncaring peanut. In response, it cracked neatly down the middle and a few flakes of dry peanut flesh floated out. ...Stupid peanut.  
  
"Right," He said aloud, "Let's see what I can make. Hmm...I think I have enough things to make a milkshake..."   
  
He gingerly picked up the yogurt before dumping its contents in the blender and adding half the milk. Pietro wrinkled his nose, and nudged shut the fridge with his hip before digging through the pantry to look for anything resembling fruit. After a few moments of rummaging and more that a couple of disgusted exclamations, he settled on a bag of stale gummy bears. The cerulean-eyed mutant emptied the bag, shoved a few melting ice cubes in, then clamped down the lid. The blender cranked slowly then sliced into the assorted edibles viciously with a high-pitched whirr.   
  
Pietro bounced on his heels a few times before hopping from one to the other. The blender was starting to make strange chugging noises, like it was trying to suck down the disturbingly thick concoction into the depths of its metallicy bowels...  
Gah! He mentally smacked himself, Too much English class! I need to rot my brain.  
  
With that thought firmly in mind, the slender youth picked what was visible of one blade and followed it around and around and around and around and--  
  
"Done!" In the cartoon version of his life, Pietro was cackling gleefully with sparky mad scientist hair and included accessories, meaning that Lance was wearing a pair of gold spandex Speedos and was--  
  
Ooh, the gutter... There was a significantly long silence, then the silver-haired speedster wiped the glazed look off his face, mumbling irritably as he realized he had just cut himself off twice in a row.   
  
He cautiously removed the plastic cover, backing away slightly as it made a strange "schhhhhluck" sound as it was removed. The pink-ish concoction that was inside the blender blurped a few times before settling down and happily gurgling as it assumed the size and shape of its container.   
  
"Crap," Pietro picked up the blender, backing away as he caught wind of its smell. His eyes watered. "It looks like I recreated that really shitty pink slime from Ghostbusters."   
  
Why is that stuff pink anyway? The dude says it's "pure evil." Does that mean evil is pink? That if we go to Hell the whole friggin' place would be done up nicely in doilies, fripperies, and lace curtains--all in a startling neon shade of PINK?   
  
After a moment, Pietro decided that that _was_ evil, and if he were forced to spend the rest of his life locked up in a place that dripped of _pink_, reeked of horrific cuteness, and just oozed with polite cheery happiness, he'd lose his breakfast and every other meal before.   
  
Uchk. The only things allowed to be cute are me and Lance. Uchk? I wonder how you'd spell 'uchk.' Would it be 'U-C-G-H?' Or 'U-H-K-K?'  
  
During his nonsensical internal tirade, Pietro had poured out the gunk into a pitcher, gotten a cup of the stuff, and wandered haphazardly into the living room/family room/study/rec room (AKA, "BANZAI!!!"  
"Crap, Pietro--no!!! You killed my science project!"  
"Oops."  
"*sobs* Fluffy!")  
  
"Hey, Fred," Pietro said casually, sounding strangely normal. The hulking teen glanced warily at him. Whenever Pietro sounded normal, he was probably trying to cover something up, like a hidden bazooka behind his back or something.  
"What?"  
"Do you want to try this milkshake I made?" Or he could be in a really good mood and willing to share lovely edible(4) food products with his fellow "evil" (quote, unquote. Only the X-losers said they were "evil") mutant friends.  
"Sure."  
  
Oh, how Pietro loved that Fred didn't ask him what was in the things he made. Otherwise he'd probably be thrown into the stratosphere by now for attempting to feed his teammate provisions that were probably toxic.(5)  
  
Fred took the glass, not bothering to eye it suspiciously because of its pseudo-solidified state, and gulped it down. Pietro cringed. In mid-gulp, Todd swung in, a la Tarzan minus the vine. He blinked at the uh...gulping mutant who kept...gulping, and asked Pietro curiously,  
"Did you make that?"  
"Yep."  
  
An expression of utter horror crossed the amphibianish mutant's face and he screeched, much like an ostrich, "NOOOO!! Freddy! Don't drink it, yo!!"  
And Freddy's response?   
  
The larger teen giggled drunkenly, "You said 'yo.'"  
  
Both Pietro and Todd eyed him strangely, the latter with his eyes wide, as they blurted out at the same time:  
"Did you just giggle, Fred??!?"  
"How'd you like the milkshake?"  
  
"Pietro!" Todd glared at the snickering boy and groaned, "You should know what happens when you make things, yo!"  
Another giggle. "You said 'yo.'"  
  
Pietro guffawed and grinned easily, "I guess that means he did."  
Todd shook his head and snatched the foamy glass from Fred's hands, peering into it warily, "Man, what the hell is in this? It looks like some kind of smoothie--"  
  
He sniffed it experimentally and gagged, "--but it smells like shit." There was a pause as Todd watched Fred bat at some lint that was floating in the air before he set down the cup and glanced nervously from the snickering Pietro to the stairs.  
  
"I'm gonna go tell Lance, yo."  
"No!!"  
Giggle. "You said 'yo.'"  
"Pietro! Look at him! He's hopped up on some strange new happy drug that you just made!"  
"I did NOT make a drug. It was going to be a snack!"  
"Yeah, well, it's more like crack."  
"I really, really want a Big-Mac."  
"Hey, we're rhyming, yo."  
"Yeah, but then you broke the rhyming spree, Toad."  
"I'd like some tofu and turkey, cold."  
"Well, we have some tofu, yo."  
"But, it's more like play dough and it's growing mold!"  
"I--hey, what the hell?! You--he--augh! Shut up!"  
  
Pietro rolled his eyes, and drawled boredly, "What?"  
Todd jumped up onto the arm of the couch and pointed an accusatory finger at the smirking mutant, "You were deliberately rhyming."  
"So was Fred."  
"NO, that was NON-deliberate, 'cause he's hopped up on that shit you made, yo."  
Giggle. "You said 'yo.'"  
"a)It was not shit. And b)how can he be hopped up? It's not like he snorts dairy products on a daily basi--...well..."  
  
Todd slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand and repeated, "I'm gonna go get Lance."  
"No! Nooooo way, you'reSoNotGoingToGetLance!!! I'llGetIntoSoMuchTroubleAndSoWillYouSoSitYourAssDownAndSHUTUP!!"  
"...what?!"  
  
The silver-haired teen sighed tragically, "I'm so misunderstood."  
"That's 'cause you talk like a chipmunk on speed, yo!"  
Yet another creepy giggle from Fred, "You said 'yo.'"  
Todd groaned, "Hey, man, shut up!"  
"I do NOT talk like a chipmunk on speed!"  
  
Todd shrugged and hopped away from the indignant speedster, heading for the stairs, "Whatever, yo. Lance should know how to get Fred off that crap you shoved down his throat."  
  
"I didn't shove it down his throat! He drank it of his own free will. Anyways, are you implying that Lance is a druggie? Huh? HUH??? Are you calling MY boyfriend a crackhead?! TODD! Get back here, I'm talking to you! ARGHHHH! Why does everyone always leave when I'm talking? Why am I even still here?? TODDDDDD!!!"  
  
With that, he zipped after his friend, determined to stop him from taking the only sane course of action.  
Behind him, Fred sat cross-legged on the carpet, staring at a floating dust bunny so hard his eyes crossed. After a moment, he mumbled, "'kay Mister Yoda-person-type-dude-fuzzy-man..." and promptly conked out.  
  
tbc  
  
(1) Bwahahaha...I can't wait to write the part about his "research" XD  
(2) Because this is MY fic, "amphibianish" is now a word...'kay?  
Arika: *cough*POWER TRIP*cough*  
(3) He rhymed!! *giggles* ...uh...you'll get the joke later on ^^;  
(4) EDIBLE?? *guffaws*  
(5) "probably" should be kicked out of there, don't you think? ^.~   



	2. POVs(and the Switching Thereof...take 1)

Title: Pietrance: Chapter 2~POVs(and the Switching Thereof...take 1)   
Author: Naisumi  
Rating: PG-13 (cussing O.o;)   
Disclaimer: Unless you want a couple of dust bunnies and some pocket lint, I suggest not suing to be the most preferable action. I don't own these guys anyways ^_^;; (duh?)  
Warnings: Um...Slash XD In my little universe, Lance and Pietro are desperately in love. Whether or not they're actually together in the fic or in deliciously angsty denial will vary.   
Keywords: Slash, Brotherhood (I love them!), X-men:Evo, FLUFF, insanity, etc.  
  
Notes: I went a little nuts with switching POVs in this one...you'll see ^.~ Oh yes, much Evan-bashing and Jean-bashing. Oh yes, I tried to fix the paragraphing, too .O   
Pietro and Fred aren't in this much, mainly because I wanted to bring the X-men into this. However, they will be in the next installment much more.  
  
Also, if this starts deviating from Pietro/Lance to Scott/Lance, it's SO not my fault. Look to Morwen XD I dedicate whatever pro-Scott forces in this fic there are to her.  
  
C&C Please!!!!  
  
-- scene change  
blah thoughts  
"blah" human-speak XP  
  
WARNING: This fic was written while on a caffeine-high. If it stops being funny and just starts being plain weird, complaints to the coffee-vending machine can be sent to...some address or other.  
  
--  
  
He stalked through the halls, slinking quietly in the shadows. Carefully, slowly, deliberately, he lowered one foot, then another, tiptoeing across the shiny linoleum floor...  
*squeaky squeaky squeaky--......--squeakysqueak...squeak*  
  
On a sudden spur of inspiration, he dashed across the corridor;  
  
*squeaksqueaksqueaksqueaksqueeeeeeak--slide!*  
  
A slow smirk tugged at his lips as he found himself in the lavatory. Ever so carefully, he turned the knob, relishing the crisp cold water that filled the plastic container. Smooth plastic surfaces filled out like a rubber mimicry of clouds, full of rain and clean fresh liquid. There was a pause, and he flipped on the light, scribbling with a black sharpie on the rubber before snapping on a pair of latex gloves, and cloth ones over those.   
  
He was ready now. He would always be ready, for whatever occasion...whether to save the globe from yet another crisis, or to stop some villain from committing a dastardly crime, or to--  
  
"Lance?!??"   
"DAHHH!!!"  
  
Todd stared at what was their usual leader, decked out in a black tux, sporting a pair of shades, and holding a suitcase.   
  
Had the world gone mad?  
  
"Lance!! Ya gotta come quick! Pietro made this really weird crap-I _swear_ it's some strange new happy drug (that's what I told him, anyway)--and he force-fed it to Fred--"  
  
TODD'S VERSION OF THINGS:  
  
Pietro: *cackles* Ah...I see. So _you_ are to be my latest test subject, aren't you? This should prove...interesting.  
Fred: Shut up and feed me.  
Pietro: *grins evilly* Don't worry...I will, as long as that heroic bad-ass cool-type toad-person Todd Tolensky doesn't come and rescue you, like he always does.  
Fred: Shut up and feed me.  
Pietro: In fact--I believe that I shall do this in front of him just to prove my brilliance! My genius! My--  
Fred: Shut up and fee--  
Pietro: *peeved* Stop it!! Can't you see I'm giving an avid passionate speech?  
Todd: *bursts in dressed like Rambo, just in time to see Pietro brace open Fred's mouth and pour pink goo down his throat with a funnel* NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  
  
"--And I tried to stop him, but he wouldn't and...and...a-and...um...Lance?"  
  
During the amphibianish mutant's frantic tirade, Lance had been circling him, eyeing him critically and making some approving noises every so often.   
  
"Um...Lance???" Todd ignored the disturbing stare that Lance had fixed on him, opting to throw furtive glances about the hallway instead.  
"Quick, we can't talk here," Lance murmured, looking about as well. Todd relaxed. Great. At least _someone_'s going to help me.  
  
"To the Batcave, Q!" And with that, the mahogany-haired mutant latched onto Todd's arm like some kind of drooling psychotic pseudo-leech and towed him off.  
  
Oh, crap.  
  
--  
  
When Fred came to, he was lying in the walk-in closet, a coat rack shoved up the back of his shirt, a KFC bucket over his head, and silly string all over him. This had obviously been the work of the HappyDust Fairy. In fact, that would explain his day...  
  
FRED'S VERSION OF THINGS:   
  
Fred: *thinks:* I like the Animaniacs.  
Pietro: Blahblahblah fruit.  
Todd: Blahblahblah fruit bloop.  
Pietro: BLAHHHHHHHH! BLAHBLAH!?  
Todd: Bleh?  
Pietro: Blahh BLAHHHHH! BLAHBLAH?!  
Todd: Blah! Blahblahblah fruit blahblah, bleh. Blahblahblah blahblaaaahboop.  
Pietro: Blahblahblah! Blahblah...bleh.  
Todd: Blip.  
Fred: *thinks* Dot is hot.  
  
::sound from the kitchen--WHIRRRRRRRRRRR!::  
  
Fred: *thinks* Ooh. Blender. Food.  
Pietro: *comes back in* Fred.  
Fred's brain: DANGER! WARNING! RED ALERT! PIETRO ACTING NORMAL!  
Fred: ...what?  
Pietro: Blahblahblahblah milkshake blahbleh?  
Fred's brain: JUST SAY NO!!!  
Fred: Okay.   
Todd: Blahblehbleh?  
Fred's brain: AHH! THE PAIN! THE BURNING!!!!  
Pietro: Bleh.  
Fred's brain: *being invaded by a strange new happy drug* AHHHH! Crapcrapcrapcrap!!! I'm...dying......dying...deaaaaad.   
Todd: BLAH!! FREDDY! Blahblehblip, yo!  
Fred's brain: *the drug talking* Hey. Yo. Cool. Like...yeah.  
Fred: *giggles* You said 'yo.'  
  
This was revolutionary. He had _actually_ had an encounter with the HappyDust Fairy! Oh joys of joys! If he could only find Her, then all his worries would be over! As Fred gleefully pondered (A/N: I'd like to comment that this term is used loosely) the existence of the Fairy, he decided to take a holy pilgrimage to pay homage to the refrigerator. Of course, how his brain processed it was, "Kitchen. Food. Good." much like Saitoh of anime fandom's "Aku. Soku. Zan." except a lot stranger, a lot more basic, and a lot dumber.  
  
The fridge was empty, but he didn't worry. After all, with the Fairy within his grasp, he wouldn't have to worry about food anymore. He wasn't exactly sure why he felt this way, but he did. Fred looked around, and laid his eyes on a pitcher full of pinkish milkshake. Yum. He looked around, deciding that it would be best to leave some for the Fairy (he had to be considerate, of course) and so poured one mug and guzzled it up. Immediately, he began to feel woozy...this was to be expected; after all...the Fairy...  
  
--  
  
Pietro scowled angrily. He had zipped into Lance's room, hoping to catch the geological-manipulator only to have the bedroom door snap shut like some kind of demented deathtrap. This day was turning out to be really evil, boring, and more than a little trippy.   
  
PIETRO'S VERSION OF THINGS:  
  
Pietro: *wakes up, opens the windows, and says politely to the chirping birds outside:* SHUT THE FUCK UP!  
Lance: *outside the bedroom door* I wanna screw.  
Pietro: Gimme a second!  
  
::wacky beaver sex ensues::  
  
Pietro: Ahh! I feel refreshed! *zips downstairs* Hi, everyone!   
Todd: *mumbles*  
Fred: Blah.  
  
::FLASHFORWARD::  
  
Pietro: Lance?  
Lance: Yes, dear?  
Pietro: I'm bored.  
Lance: I'm so sorry; I'll be with you in a moment.  
Pietro: Lance!  
Lance: Yes, dear?  
Pietro: I'm bored!  
Lance: I can't be with you right now, I'm sorry.   
Pietro: I'm _bored_!  
Lance: I worship you and adore you, Pietro Maximoff! Make sweet, sweet, love to me and let us boink like bunnies! But Mystique is being a bitch and won't let me do anything right now until I finish this mission report, so until I'm done, you're allowed to enunciate and elongate my name as many times as you want.  
Pietro: Okay.  
  
::FLASHFORWARD::  
  
Pietro: Hi Fred!  
Fred: Nn.  
Pietro: Do you want to try this milkshake I made?  
Fred: Of course, I'd love to try anything that you used your excellent culinary skills to make! *glug*   
Todd: *mumbles*  
Pietro: Yep.  
Todd: NOOOO! _I_ wanted some of your great milkshakes, yo!  
Fred: *giggles* You said 'yo.'  
  
Pietro huffed and sat down on Lance's bed. This sucked! He was being all nice and everything and now he was locked in his boyfriend's room, whose computer was on and beeping insistently. The silver-haired speedster blinked. Lance's computer? Lance guarded his computer possessively. Lance's computer had personal files, which could be laughed at, or cause sniffly sniffles. Lance's computer...was a challenge.  
  
An evil smile tugged at Pietro's lips. He couldn't turn down a challenge, of course...  
  
--  
  
Grocery list? He gave me a GROCERY LIST?! I go to him to tell him I've found the accursed reincarnation of Lucifer and he solves it by sending me to Acme!?!??!! Maybe I should get down on my friggin' knees and start worshipping the Goddess of BLTs, Potato Gravy, and Peppered Sausages next, yo!   
  
Todd was unbelievably upset. He had gone to the oldest mutant for counsel and WHAT did he get? A pat on the head and high-and-mighty orders for him to hand over whatever "nifty gadgets" he had for Lance to "play" with, and a daft command for him to "skip along now, like a nice young bloody wanker" and buy some "supplies."   
  
Crap. Pietro probably forced some of that shit on Lance after they screwed like mongooses in heat.  
  
He heaved a laborious sigh and stared at the grocery list in dismay;  
  
LANCE'S GROCERY LIST:  
  
15 pairs of swimming goggles  
23 rolls of duct tape  
4 packs of gummi bears  
7 ounces of vanilla extract (the hell???)  
9 pounds of black cherries  
3 buckets of chocolate chip mint ice cream  
18 packets of balloons  
8 cans of whipped cream  
Lots of popcorn  
Toothbrushes [Lance's Note(L/N): We can't find Freddy's toothbrush (1)]  
Sunglasses  
Potpourri [L/N: It's in the back section]  
Etc.  
  
Todd took a few minutes to determine exactly how much was "lots of popcorn," and another couple of moments to try to get over the shock that Lance not only wanted potpourri, but he knew where it was located. He then remembered exactly what the situation was like...  
  
wobbly, wobbly, squiggly, squiggly--this is a flashback  
  
Lance: *latches on to him like some drooling psychotic pseudo-leech* To the Batcave, Q!  
Todd: *gets dragged into a nearby closet* GAH! What the hell...??   
Lance: It's been determined that Mr. Maximoff is getting ready to take over the world.  
Todd: Um...yeah, I know. So what are we doing...?  
Lance: As I am...Alvers; Lance Alvers...I must take the course of action that I always do, since I _am_ agent 000000000000000000000007.   
Todd: And that's...being my sidekick and helping me save the world yet again?  
Lance: No, that's sleeping with the bad guy and _then_ saving the world. After I make a nice baloney sandwich.  
Todd: What?!  
Lance: J K...J K...(2)  
Todd: *blinks dazedly* WHAT?!  
Lance: I kid. Actually...I was serious.  
Todd: Um...  
  
wobbly, wobbly, squiggly, squiggly--end flashback  
  
It was strange, disturbing, baffling, odd, eccentric, vile, malicious, heinous, evil, and more than a little bad.  
  
Okay, it's official. My family should be committed to an insane asylum, Todd thought while absently planning on how to veer off the sidewalk and pop a wheelie in the intersection where three trucks were all heading at once. He pulled up beside the supermarket, locking his bike at the rack, wandering inside, muttering to himself, and staring at the shopping list in sheer disbelief.  
  
Then everything went from bad to worse as he heard,  
"I'm just a city kid..." (3)  
Oh crap.  
  
--  
  
Lance straightened the lapels on his tux, glancing coolly about the room before placing a rubber sunflower in his front pocket, happily squeezing it a few times to make sure it squirted water. His loyal sidekick Q-- who, for some reason, had an obsession with the codename "Toad" rather than "Q,"--had given him some new gadgets to play with. With a small smirk, he took in his inventory with pride;  
  
One cherry red slinky cup   
A MIB "whirly-flashy memory-wipey thing" (as Todd had called it)  
A neon pink pen with a fuzzy pompom at the top  
Three walnuts  
A bit of tinfoil   
and a pair of bunny slippers.  
  
"I do so much with so little," The geographic-manipulator(4) sighed dramatically, looking in the full length mirror. Lance cocked an eyebrow and murmured in a horribly bad Scottish accent, "Alvers. Lance Alvers--Ye'd best stay outta me wa--"  
  
No, no...that sounds wrong.  
  
After going through several horrendously imitated accents, he settled on an even worse mimicked English accent, proclaiming,  
"Alvers...Lance Alvers," Before giggling insanely like some deranged school girl after one too many 'special' brownies.  
  
Vaguely, he remembered Q saying something about Pietro...--  
"Ah-ha!" Lance smirked slowly, murmuring in an accent that incidentally missed any suaveness that he was aiming for, "So zhat...is vhy he vas tryin--Dammit! English, not German! English, not German!!--Ah-ha! So that...is why he was trying to escape my notice earlier."  
  
He turned slightly and addressed the toilet, "He knows that nothing..._nothing_ escapes, me...Agent 000000000000000000000007, otherwise known as," Lance paused dramatically, "Alvers. Lance Alve--"  
  
"Laaaaaance...?"  
  
Lance pouted, shifting his weight back on one foot and slouching, fidgeting irritably, "What is it, Freddy?"  
"Are you done yet...?? I really, really, _really_ have to go!!"  
"No. I plan on staying in this bathroom for the rest of my life. Why don't you go outside and find a nice bush?"  
"But, we don't have any bushes..."  
"Dammit, go away!!!"  
"I'll break down the door!"  
  
Lance sighed and holed up in the shower after unlocking the door, yanking the curtain closed as Fred lumbered in.  
I hate my life...  
  
--  
  
"Crapcrapcrapcrap," Todd leaped over the counter of a local food court, much like a leaping gazelle, minus the grace, beauty, and wagging stub of a tail. He hid under the counter, clutching the shopping list and doing his best to ignore the sticky-looking eight-year-old who was sitting on the stool beside him. The evil child stared coldly at him--imperiously, even--for interrupting his slushie time.(5)  
  
Todd peeked up over the counter, blanching as he saw the Valley Girl and the "Hip" Skateboarder wandering down the aisle, the bland redhead with no codename and ol' One Eye walking after them at a more sedate pace.  
  
From what he could make out, the girl known as Jean (better known as the cardboard cut-out that the Professor bought for a buck or less) was only saying randomly pieced together phrases of, "I'm pretty," "I know you think I'm pretty," "You _do_ think I'm pretty, right?," and "I think I'm pretty."  
  
Other than that, the Not-So-Hip Skateboarder was occasionally saying something to the effect of "I'm just a city kid" [A/N: Look at Survival of the Fittest! I was only paying half attention to that one (lots of Brotherhood *-* Lance, Pietro, Todd...) and Evan kept coming along saying "I'm just a city kid." It's, like, all he says!!] before he got distracted by some random shiny thing(6), which prompted him to say, "Ooh...shiny" in the dullest, most demented voice Todd had ever heard. As per usual, the Pryde was giving him the mother of all headaches with her "like"s, "totally"s, and simpering giggles, so that left Summers. Good ol' Summers with the funky rad shades. At this rate, he was the only normal one of the X-freaks currently flooding into Acme. This disturbed Todd.  
  
Lance would hurl me out the window if he found out that I thought Summers was okay. After a moment of quiet contemplation, wherein he unintentionally stalked the four X-men, he concluded, But then again, Lance probably would either not notice 'cause he's too busy playing James Bond, or he wouldn't blame me,  
  
The result of his amending thoughts was that Evan was currently drooling over a box of tinfoil, chanting, "Shinnnnny" while Kitty giggled herself senseless. She was moving the tinfoil around to various places, getting herself into a royal snickering fit as Evan followed the box of happy glistening silver stuff. Summers managed to herd the two of them away from the addictive(? Yeah right...) reflective substance. Jean trailed behind them like some undead lost puppy, dazed look intact.  
  
Todd 'snirk'ed and decided that they were no harm at all. Of course, at that moment, the evil eight-year-old spawn of Satan began kicking him. Owowowowowow... Todd scowled and stood up, vaulting over the counter and glaring angrily at the devil spawn. It smirked at him.  
Evil critter...   
Everything was fine now, that is, until a certain shrill voice cried,  
"Hey, like, look!"  
Oh crap, He thought for the third time that day.   
  
  
  
  
tbc   
  
What does Lance want to do with all those crazy things?? Will Pietro get sucked into whatever dark secrets Lance is harboring in that computer of his??? Does Lance have some relation to Heero Yuy of Gundam Wing fame as per how he treats his computer? And if so, will he start wearing spandex??? Why is Todd being pro-Scott (Darn you Morwen! ^.~)??   
Will we see more of Fred?? And what exactly _is_ the HappyDust Fairy??  
Tune in next time for more insanity!!!  
  
(1) According to Chapter 1, it's in the refrigerator ^.~  
(2) "J K" as in "j/k"; "just kidding." My friend says that ALL the time in real life...it irks the heck out of me.  
(3) Survival of the Fittest, as I explain in my author's note later on.  
(4) Does anyone mind if I start calling him "seismically-inclined?" 'cause "geographic-manipulator" sounds kinda icky...  
(5) Well, I would, too.  
Duo: No, not Rosiel's Slushie fic.  
Ohh...  
Duo: -_- Idiot.  
Hey!  
(6) Bwahahaha! In Spykecam, when "Mr.V" pulls out the digicam, it gleams for a moment. Afterwards, while the teacher is moving it around, Evan follows it with the blankest look on his face. It's hilarious. I was like, "*giggles and is amused* Evan likes shiny things..."  



End file.
